Over the years, I had my fair share of low-value men.
I dated low-value men, and I even married one.
but I did not always know they were low value.
No excuse, I had many high value men as role models, starting from my father.
Now, anything low value is a thing of the past in my life but it took me serious self-reflection and inspection to get to that point.
So If I tell you this is what a low value man is, from a woman’s perspective, you can safely trust me.
And it goes without saying that you should stay away from low value men like you would from the plague.
Enjoy reading.
1. Emotionally messed up
An emotionally messed up man is a man run by his emotions.
He can in appearance look like he is rational ( or not), but you will know he is emotionally messed up when he reacts to various life situations in an emotional way.
In other words, when he has no hold of his emotions and does not respond out of logic, but by how he feels inside of himself.
For example, he bursts in anger for the most futile things that won’t have such amplitude and effect in a healthy man.
He is bitter and resentful towards people or situations that don’t deserve that much attention.
He thinks the world is a dangerous place and so he is constantly on the attack.
He sees other people as potential enemies trying to undermine him and harm him. ( the world is not exactly a safe place but a healthy person does not define it as such and does not focus only on this aspect of the world).
He is a negative person who sees a problem in every solution and never the opposite.
He finds himself in many conflicts because he is actively creating them in his life.
The world is divided into two parts, the people above him and the people beneath him.
He can’t compromise most of the time and things have to go his way ( Rigidity is a sign of deep unease and fear of the unknown and it indicates that the person is in deep suffering).
He doesn’t have many friends, not because he is an introvert, but because people stay away from him. ( in general, not having a few good friends is a very bad sign).
If you are with such a man, you’ll live on a roller coaster constantly and your life will be unpredictable ( in a bad way) and full of drama.
Such men don’t know how to live in peace and harmony with others, they don’t know how to resolve conflicts, they miss many opportunities in life and make enemies along the way with their behavior.
Don’t get me wrong, we all have emotions, but a healthy person does not let emotions run the show.
I dealt ( and still am dealing) with an extreme case of emotionally messed up and it is costing me 6 years of divorce legal proceedings.
2. He has no Drive or Purpose in life
One of the defining qualities of a high value man is to have meaningful goals and a purpose in life.
Researcher William Damon, who wrote A Path to Purpose, says that purpose is “a stable and generalized intention to accomplish something that is at the same time meaningful to the self and consequential for the world beyond the self.”
So meaning to self and the higher good and intention are what make something purposeful.
Low value men tend to do things without meaningful intention and don’t even seek to find meaning in it.
If you ask them “why are you doing this”, you are likely to get “that’s how it has always been done”, or “all my friends are doing it”, “I don’t know I just do”.
They give these kinds of answers because they never ask themselves WHY, often because they are afraid to get there and prefer to keep the status quo.
It’s a scary enterprise to seek purpose and don’t find one, because there is a latent period where you won’t find any purpose until you find it.
So they don’t seek meaning in what they do and they are only concerned with getting by so that they can go to leisure.
Living a purposeless life is like eating food that all taste the same.
You would become literally insane if that was the case.
and if you are with such a man, your life can become tasteless too.
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3. He doesn’t have a growth mindset
Low value men also tend to be happy with how things are.
They don’t want to change anything. They don’t see the point.
They are only concerned with achieving the bare minimum with the minimum effort possible.
Getting a better job? Why?
Having 2 jobs to make more money? Why?
Learn a new language? too difficult.
Investing in courses to improve your skills? What’s the point?
The point is incremental change amounts to big transformations.
And while being grateful for where you are and what you have right now is a virtue, not desiring to grow for yourself and those around you is not virtuous and is symptomatic of the fear of challenge and deception.
In fact, it’s thanks to growth-minded people that humanity has evolved over the years.
For example,
If the Wright brothers did not think that airplanes could be improved, they would not have invented the world’s first successful motor-operated airplane, which is the ancestor of all airplanes you know of today. making it possible for us to cross entire continents and oceans in a few hours.
A man does not have to be an inventor in order to have a growth mindset, his growth mindset can be applied locally to his everyday life.
An inherent desire for improvement and growth is a condition to being a high value man.
4. He doesn’t have internal references
High value men have a strong sense of self because the self is their main source of security, esteem, worth.
They have taken the time to build a strong internal foundation that we are going to call internal references that allow them to trust themselves more than anyone else.
Their internal references act as a guiding light in their life more than what such and such thinks/says/advise.
They only value others’ opinions when they deem these people as trustworthy and reliable, after they pass the internal references test.
On the contrary, low value men have a weak sense of self and are constantly in need of external voices for confirmation/assurances/opinions.
They don’t value their own opinion ( they don’t even trust it), they follow the consensus, they delegate their life’s most important decisions to others, whether it’s family, a boss, a company, or a government.
You can easily recognize such a man if he does not seem to have an opinion of his own.
They won’t take a clear stand on a subject because they don’t have one.
They also will change their minds according to who is around or who the audience is.
You can say one thing and they will agree with you. and a couple of days later say the opposite and they will again agree with you.
Most of his sentences begin with “they say such and such”, “It is believed that”, “research shows that”, “I am not sure what I think or what I should do”.
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5. He is cheap
There is a difference between being money-smart and being stingy.
The former is a sign of a high value man, and the latter is a sign of an extremely low value man.
In most cases, a stingy man is an insecure man who does not have full confidence in his ability to bring on money on demand.
He also has a scarcity mindset and believes money is hard to earn and so fears he may lack money one day.
A high value man has a money management mindset, meaning he is not driven by his fear or his lack of confidence in himself.
He has these two things figured out.
Having said that, he knows how the world works and so he spends his money wisely on things that he really needs while still treating himself and the people around him.
Most importantly, a smart money-minded man will not bother too much for small expenses.
He won’t apply his smart money management rules on small expenses.
So you need to learn to make the difference between cheap and smart money-minded men.
For example, a man is cheap if he :
- Is always looking for a bargain
- Is asking you on coffee dates only
- He wants to do Netflix and chill most of the time
- He does not offer to pay the bill
- ( He even assumes you are going to do 50 /50)
- If he uses “coupons” on a date
- If he invites you to order the cheapest meal on the menu
- If he “forgets” his wallet
- He doesn’t tip or tips very little
6. He has a big EGO
Too big of an ego is a terrible thing.
Otherwise, it would not have made the success of Ryan Holiday’s book Ego Is the Enemy.
Ryan Holiday says that
Ego is our biggest enemy. Early in our careers, it can prevent us from learning and developing our talents. … Early in our careers, it can prevent us from learning and developing our talents. When we taste success, ego can blind us to our own faults, alienate us from others and lead to our downfall.
In his blog thepowermoves.com, Lucio also talks about the big ego as a sign of a low value man ( from his perspective as a man).
However, he differentiates big ego men with skills and without skills.
According to him, a big ego man without skills is low value, and of course, he is 100% right on that.
I mean a man thinks of himself as something but has absolutely nothing to show off for himself, he is totally delusional.
On the other hand, Lucio somehow argues that if a man can demonstrate matching skills and competence to his big ego, he can be high value.
But I disagree with this completely.
All men with big egos have deep insecurities probably originating as far as their early childhood existence.
Deep down they believe they are not good enough by themselves, and some of them have been able to utilize this insecurity as a catalyzer for growth, success, and achievement, which turns them into competent arrogant, nothing more.
A high value man does not think he is better than everyone else and does not go on a quest to prove that.
A high value man is able to achieve his success by playing fair and without having to constantly crush his enemies.
He recognizes other people’s skills and competencies and thrives in collaboration environments.
Jeff Bezos is a great example of a high value man.
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7. He is vindicative
A man who is vindicative is not simply a man who is seeking revenge to perceived wrongdoing but has a tendency to seek revenge and retaliates to perceived wrongdoing and injustice is a man to stay away from.
Why?
1. Because it’s childish behavior that indicates the man hasn’t matured yet and may never do.
He can’t forgive nor forget and he is unable to put his anger behind and move on.
2. Because one day he will turn against you.
It will be your turn to be his victim because you will do something that he will consider disrespectful or that harmed him in some way and will dis-proportionally retaliate.
8. He is misogynous and sexist
Even if he treats you well and respects you and you don’t really get to experience his misogyny per se.
If a man considers other women inferior to men, enjoys making sexists comments about women and treats them differently just because of their gender, it is a clear sign that he has a deeply rooted problem with women, and one day he will give you a taste of that.
Such a man will never see you as his equal.
He will dismiss your suggestions, ideas, and opinions for the simple fact that they are coming from you, a woman.
He won’t listen to what you have to say even if you make valid points that can help him.
You will be on for an unhealthy relationship where you cannot blossom and feel good as a woman.
9. He is emotionally unavailable
For relationships, this type of man would make for a bad partner, a bad husband, and a bad father.
You need someone who meets your emotional needs, and emotionally unavailable guys simply can’t.
These men are extremely confusing.
They are afraid of emotional intimacy and vulnerability and everything feels mechanical with them.
You will never reach a high level of connection with these men and you will most likely feel unloved in more than one occasion.
Being with such a man puts you at risk of being deeply unhappy and grow resentful of him and maybe of men in general.
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10. He is too nice of a man
The same way nice women finish last in relationships.
Too nice of a man finishes last in every other area of life, and in particular in the workplace or in business, which are the two areas high value men strive to thrive on.
Nice men tend to not do well in dominance hierarchies, which is the society we live in ( don’t let anyone fool you about living in a non-hierarchical society).
That’s because climbing the dominance hierarchy ladder requires assertiveness and the ability to exhibit aggression ( even when you don’t use it).
Men who are too nice can be considered and respected by other nice men, but usually, they are unable to command the same from other high value men.
Nice men are also confused with weak men, which they can also be.
And in general human nature makes it that people can’t resist the urge of attacking what they perceive as an easy target.
11. Not working on his addiction problems
It’s not always your fault if you have an addiction problem.
In my understanding, addiction is a defense mechanism against the insanity that allows for an escape from a reality that is too harsh to take on for the individual.
Therefore, It’s not that addiction is what is low value, but it’s the unwillingness to work on it.
Now,
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Thanks for reading this post,
Excellent list.
(As an aside – and please take this in the spirit it’s intended – please get a good copy editor. The spelling and grammatical mistakes are jarring and devalue an otherwise excellent piece of writing.)
Thank you so much Emily I appreciate your advice and honesty and tbh I knew I needed to get a copy editor but It’s good to hear it from a reader.